February 27, 2008 (Tuesday)

Most people especially women primp themselves before a doctor's visit. Showering, shaving, waxing, applying makeup, getting their hair done. I guess you want to present yourself in the best light to someone, who is going to be scrutinizing your every inch.

I try and imagine what my summer will be like. Will I see Caio? Will I have another quick-lived romance? What is Turkey going to be like? At least, I saw Ada a few years ago, so the experience won't be a total shock. I definitely want a couple of more tattoos. Something on my foot.

The ROTTEN apple DOESN'T FALL FAR from the TREE

Carpe Diem. 

March 2, 2008 (Friday)

It's past midnight, and I'm talking to a guy named Sal, whose face I cannot remember. I have no idea what he looks like, all I know is we met in Penn Station, and that his 22-year-old brother had his hand in a puddle of vomit. He's in construction, which made me automatically think he's got some mafia connection. He's the oldest of three children. His brothers get taller as they get younger. I'm nervous about Saturday, I have no idea what to wear. I need to start packing. Remember to weigh myself before leaving. I called Carl- no answer. I didn't feel like leaving another message. Talked to Kimon for an hour and change, and listened to him ramble on about comics and his attempts to shape up. And, I realized something: I'm bored when the conversation doesn't revolve around me.

March 3, 2008 (Saturday)

Dec 30

Yesterday, we went out to Santidade. I couldn't help feeling self-conscious around the superhumanly beautiful Brazilian women. I wore a royal purple dress (size 6), it was a bit tight, but I wasn't afforded with the opportunity to change my wardrobe. I used the bathroom, and a girl named, Denise told me to come and hang out with her and her friends (who were mostly family).
Lucas- good looking
Moses- intensely blue eyes
Pot smoking random girl, today doctora, chata- tv job and roberto's fish
Maya's drums and drams
singing with the hot guitarist- why did he dedicate James Blunt's "Beautiful" to me? I can never be with you? Hidden message? Or perhaps it was an easy song he knows how to play.
The store, work, drama- smoking email Lucas- New Years 

March 6, 2008 (Tuesday)

Why am I so lacking in self confidence? Why can I only see flaws? So much depends on appearances despite the hundreds of ancient adages praising character. When it comes down to it we're hypocrite or much worse liars. We look for perfection in others because we sorely lack it ourselves. 

March 8, 2008 (Thursday)

He is so mysterious with blue searing eyes, I cannot escape. Constantly observing and passing judgment without the slightest hint of expression. Ice-cold, glacial and unable to be penetrated like the Arctic, it's strange that he can be found in such a warm climate. Enigmatic. I would like to exchange a few words to learn something. Only today did I discover his real name. Caio- strange it's the second time I've been intrigued by someone with that name. Most times, I just wish he would pass. The language barrier doesn't help. I know he guards secrets about the universe. I know he sees things differently. Strangely enough, we both study Oceanography. Perhaps, it's a symptom of an active mind, but I believe he avoid me either because of a profound sense of disgust or because of an acquired timidity. Perhaps, I am too foreign, too strange, and too mature. A fish out of water, and he is a fisherman. When I am alone, I wonder where he lives. A room's items or lack of them can reveal a lot about a person. Moses is his nickname, and he is a man of few words, I think he takes comfort in solitude. I do as well. 

March 11, 2008 (Sunday)

TV Guide glue
Cough Irritant Tobacco--> Pearls/clam
Gasoline iridescent rainbows
distort the way we see the world.

***
I know I am fucked up. I seek others whose problems stew beneath the surface- superficial. People who aren't constantly smiling and seeking the attention of the opposite sex. I've become celibate partly due to self-disgust and partly due to a disgust of others. 'Caio' (his name means to fall), who everyone simply called Moses because of his long beard is the first person besides Matt, who is in a loveless relationship, who appeals to me. I am a bit nervous to speak with him for a couple of reasons. One being that any man I am attracted to- I do not feel worthy of, and also because he is so attractive and I believe intelligent. I also lack the Portuguese and struggle to express any thought beyond polite conversation, but somehow I manged to speak with Caio (1) and I am determined to speak with Caio (2), the weary wanderer, the loner with piercing blue eyes that beg to be explored.